The Survival Guide for Rookie Moms

 

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The Nominees for The Parent of the Year Award Are…

And the Award Goes To…

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20 Baby Products Great for Traumatizing Infants from CRACKED.com

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No one seems to know which Savvy Baby wrote this, but it’s hilarious. If it was you and you can prove it, we’d love to give you credit…

Sleep Training… OK, here’s my situation. My Mommy has had me for almost 7 months. The first few months were great– I cried, she picked me up and fed me, anytime, day or night. Then something happened. Over the last few weeks, she has been trying to STTN (sleep thru the night). At first, I thought it was just a phase, but it is only getting worse. I’ve talked to other babies, and it seems like it’s pretty common after Mommies have had us for around 6 months. Here’s
the thing: these Mommies don’t really need to sleep. It’s just a habit. Many of them have had some 20-30 years to sleep–they just don’t need it anymore. So I am implementing a plan. I call it the Crybaby Shuffle.

It goes like this:

Night 1–cry every 3 hours until you get fed. I know, it’s hard. It’s hard to see your Mommy upset over your crying. Just keep reminding yourself, it’s for her own good.

Night 2–cry every 2 hours until you get fed.

Night 3–every hour.

Most Mommies will start to respond more quickly after about 3 nights. Some Mommies are more alert, and may resist the change longer. These Mommies may stand in your doorway for hours, shhhh-ing. Don’t give in. I cannot stress this enough: CONSISTENCY IS KEY!! If you let her STTN (sleep through the night), just once, she will expect it every night.
I KNOW IT’S HARD! But she really does not need the sleep, she is just resisting the change. If you have an especially alert Mommy, you can stop crying for about 10 minutes, just long enough for her to go back to bed and start to fall asleep. Then cry again. It WILL eventually work. My Mommy once stayed awake for 10 hours straight, so I know she
can do it. Last night, I cried every hour. You just have to decide to stick to it and just go for it. BE CONSISTENT! I cried for any reason I could come up with. My sleep sack tickled my foot. I felt a wrinkle under the sheet. My mobile made a shadow on the wall. I burped, and it tasted like pears. I hadn’t eaten pears since lunch, what’s up with that? The cat said “meow”. I should know. My Mommy reminds me of this about 20 times a day. LOL. Once I cried just because I liked how it sounded when it echoed on the monitor in the other room. Too hot, too cold, just right–doesn’t matter! Keep crying!! It took awhile, but it worked. She fed me at 4am. Tomorrow night, my goal is 3:30am. You need to slowly shorten the interval between feedings in order to reset your Mommies’ internal clocks.

P.S. Don’t let those rubber things fool you, no matter how long you suck on them, no milk will come out. Trust me

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“We Was Brung Up Proper”

CONGRATULATIONS TO ALL MY FRIENDS WHO WERE BORN IN THE 1940s, 50s, 60s and early 70s!

• First, we survived being born to mothers who drank while they carried us and lived in houses made of asbestos.
• They took aspirin, ate blue cheese, raw egg products, loads of bacon, processed meat and tuna from a can and didn’t get tested for diabetes or cervical cancer.
• Then after that trauma, our baby cribs were covered with bright colored lead-based paints.
• We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, doors or cabinets and when we rode our bikes, we had no helmets or shoes. Not to mention the risks we took hitchhiking.
• As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air bags.
• We drank water from the garden hose and NOT from a bottle.
• Take away food was limited to fish and chips; no pizza shops, McDonalds , KFC, Subway or Nandos.
• Even though all the shops closed at 6.00pm and didn’t open on the weekends, somehow we didn’t starve to death!
• We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and NO ONE actually died from this.
• We could collect old drink bottles and cash them in at the corner store and buy toffees, gobstoppers, bubble gum and some bangers to blow up frogs with.
• We ate cupcakes, white bread and real butter and drank soft drinks with sugar in it, but we weren’t overweight because……WE WERE ALWAYS OUTSIDE PLAYING!!
• We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day. And we were O.K.
• We would spend hours building our go-carts out of old prams and then ride down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. We built tree houses and dens and played in river beds with matchbox cars.
• We did not have Playstations, Nintendo Wii , X-boxes, no video games at all, no 999 channels on SKY, no video/dvd  films, no mobile phones, no personal computers, no Internet or Internet chat rooms……….WE HAD FRIENDS and we went outside and found them!
• We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth and there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
• Only girls had pierced ears!
• We ate mud pies made from dirt and worms. The worms did not live in us forever.
• You could only buy Easter Eggs and Hot Cross Buns at Easter time.
• We were given air guns and catapults for our 10th birthdays.
• We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just yelled for them!
• Mum didn’t have to go to work to help dad make ends meet!
• Rugby and cricket had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!! Getting into the team was based on MERIT.
• Our teachers used to hit us with canes and gym shoes and bully’s always ruled the playground at school.
• The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
• Our parents didn’t invent stupid names for their kids like ‘Kiora’, ‘Blade’, ‘Ridge’ and ‘Vanilla’.
• We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned HOW TO DEAL WITH IT ALL !

And YOU are one of them!

CONGRATULATIONS!

PS -The big type is because your eyes are not too good at your age anymore

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