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Lorraine
EricaWhen my daughter, Kiera, was just four months old, she decided that she wanted nothing to do with breastfeeding; SHE preferred the bottle. I suppose it should not have come as a great surprise that she, at such a young age, was ready to make up her mind about something that very much concerned her (she is her mother’s daughter, after all) but I felt like such a failure.
There had been some issues earlier on: immediately after she was born, she began to lose weight and I just could not produce enough milk to sustain her so the doctors suggested formula. After that, Kiera decided that working for her dinner just didn’t suit her.
Many of my mom friends with older children comforted me with well-intentioned anecdotes and advice. More than once, I heard “You should be happy – you don’t have to wean her now”. But I still felt like I had not lived up to my part of the bargain.
After all, I knew that breastfeeding was better for baby. I had read all of the books and listened to the helpful advice of the nurses when Kiera first entered the world. And, of course, there were the ‘after-pregnancy body-conscious issues’: ‘breastfeeding helped with the weight loss, didn’t it?’ And the ‘but I’m a capable human being’ issues: ‘I could do this, right?’ Sadly, no – Kiera had made up her mind.
Desperate, I turned to my family doctor for help. Almost in tears, I asked him what I could do to make my little girl breastfeed and here’s what he said: “The most important thing that you can give her is love. There is no magic to being a mom; you just have to instill in your child self-esteem and confidence. Clearly, you are doing that. You’re a great mom”. And we decided together that a combination of formula and breast milk (for as long as I could produce it), followed by formula alone, worked best for our family.
After that, I decided to relax a little and enjoy it. And to accept that everything wasn’t going to ‘go by the book’. Most importantly, I learned to believe in the choices that worked best for us.
We may just name our second child “Dr. M”.
Nicole Goldsberry is a mother of two and lawyer from Burnaby, BC
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thank you so much for writing this. my wife was in the same position, she ended up pumping for 5 months before she became too exhausted to continue. she wanted to give our son the best, tried her best and lasted as long as she could.
the hate and venom and judging that comes from so-called “lactivists” who have a breeze with breastfeeding is unacceptable, mean and hurtful.
parents try, just not all parents (and babies) can. give us some credit for wanting to help our kids.
thanks again for being so honest.
Don’t feel bad. You sound like a great mom. Plenty of people don’t nurse for personal reasons, medical reasons, work reasons and their kids grow up beautifully–healthy, smart, and happy.
When and if someone judges you, ask them this: What do they eat and drink while nursing. Often it’s the people who BF for months and months, all the while drinking soda, eating McDonald’s, and sucking down artificial sweeteners who are the ones to chastise people for not BFing. The sad thing is their kids are “eating” the same diet as Mom, but would have done much, much better on formula.
Love this post – and love the above two comments! I am so glad you were under the care of Dr. M – my son’s pediatrician had a very similar philosophy (I believe her words were, “He can still be President…” when I was crying my eyes out over the prospect of switching to formula) and it helped me so much… my baby has absolutely THRIVED on formula – he was sick constantly on breastmilk and wouldn’t gain weight unless I pumped and fed it in bottled – and then he was gaining weight, but constantly miserable and sick – and then we switched to hypoallergenic formula and he has been the strongest, smartest, healthiest, most loving little guy in the world.
If you ever want more support, come visit my blog – we talk about this stuff in depth…
http://www.fearlessformulafeeder.blogspot.com