The Survival Guide for Rookie Moms

Bowser was sitting on my lap leafing through the TV Times hunting for enticing TV programs. ”Ew, yucky” was his immediate reaction as he turned the page to reveal an advert  for Smile Train showing various little babies and toddlers born with clefts. I hurriedly explained that we don’t say that kind of thing, but I have to agree with him: they do look yucky.

‘Yucky’ is pretty much what I thought about Pickle’s face as she was whisked away to be attended to in the delivery room. What I actually said between sobs was “What have we done to her?” She was blue; she was skinny; her ear was folded flat to her face; and her top lip was hanging from the end of her flat nose. She was most definitely not a bonny baby. Thankfully I was somewhat prepared for what I was seeing.

My 33 week ultrasound did not go smoothly. The technician ‘spotted something’. A doctor was called for a consultation. I heard snippets of their hushed conversation ‘the face’, ‘no’, ’right there’. Between drinking his coffee and arranging his evening out on his mobile, the doctor wasn’t convinced by the technician’s findings. The doctor left, the ultrasound was concluded and I was told I could leave. I pleaded with the technician to tell me what he had seen, but he wasn’t allowed to say – I would receive the results from my OB/GYN in due course. I went home in a sheer panic. I spent the evening in sheer panic wondering what on earth was wrong with my baby, trying to convince myself the technician was mistaken – the doctor was right, he was a doctor after all.

My OB/GYN’s receptionist called the next morning. She said the doctor wanted to talk to me. I knew immediately that was bad news. “I’m very sorry, I have to tell you that your baby will be born with a cleft lip.” What? How? Why? Why us? I was devastated. I had to call my husband at work and tell him the news. It was probably the worst phone call I’ve ever had to make.

I cried a lot – I cried when I came home from the ultrasound when we didn’t even know what, if anything, was wrong. I cried when the doctor broke the news to me on the phone. I cried when I called my husband. I cried when I called my mum to tell her. I cried when we went for a short break to Whistler to rest and come to terms with what we’d found out. I thought I was done with my crying over the discovery that my baby would be defective. But I cried a whole lot more when she arrived.

Pickle wasn’t doing too well when she first came out. Aside from looking ‘Yucky’ her first AGPAR score was a worrying 5, but after the initial flurry of activity with the maternity team she rallied to an 8 and our beloved pediatrician uttered two glorious statements:

“The kid’s fine”

“The palate is intact”

Of course, ultrasounds cannot detect cleft palate, but we had learned from our research it was likely that a cleft palate would accompany the cleft lip. A cleft lip is mainly cosmetic whereas a cleft palate is a whole other can of worms and more likely to affect speech, hearing, and feeding. A cleft is often one symptom of other birth defects  – other developmental abnormalities are present in half the cases. Given the circumstances this was the best outcome we could have hoped for.

It can’t stress enough how glad I was to know ahead of time and be able to look into what lay in store for us. Although it marred the rest of my pregnancy I can’t imagine the shock of being confronted by that imperfect little face without prior knowledge. So I thank that ultrasound technician wholeheartedly, although I know I didn’t appear in the least bit grateful at the time. I do not however thank the rude and inattentive doctor – you may have the idea by now his bedside manner didn’t impress me.

The diagnosis at the ultrasound allowed us time to come to terms with the news before we had the upheaval of a new baby to deal with. My husband did what he always does for any problem or stressful situation – he researched it on the Internet. Doctors don’t know why clefts occur. They know clefts form very early in pregnancy and are believed to be a combination of genetics and environmental factors (viruses and chemical exposure while in the womb). Around 1 in 700 babies are born with a cleft lip and/or palate. Only 1/4 of these have an isolated cleft lip. A cleft lip is twice as common in boys. Clefts are more common in Asian, Latinos and Native American races. Pickle had a bilateral cleft, yet unilateral clefts are nine times more common. The likelihood of her being born with a cleft palate too was 86%. If I were better at math I could work out the exact odds of having a Caucasian girl with isolated bilateral cleft lip when there is no known history of it in our family trees. For now let’s just say if we could beat the same odds when doing the lottery we’d be millionaires by now.

The horrible thing is (and I’m sure any parents of a child born with a birth defect would say the same) you can’t help thinking ‘why?’, specifically ‘why us?’ Why is it that all my friends have perfect babies and mine is flawed? Why is it that I wasn’t allowed to properly enjoy the arrival of my firstborn? And you can’t help blaming yourself – feeling guilty for inflicting this on your baby. What did I do wrong? What did I eat/drink/what didn’t I take. Are my genes defective? I didn’t smoke, I didn’t drink. I diligently took my folic acid supplements. We have no knowledge of clefts running in either of our families.

We never found the answers to the questions “why?” or “why us?”. It’s just a fact of life and it turned out to be just one small bump on the roller coaster ride of parenting. And after a very short time those questions were no longer important. After a very short time as you gaze at your baby’s face you no longer see the imperfection. After a very short time the disappointment that everything wasn’t perfect is overridden by a feeling of how lucky you are to have such a special little person in your life.

Filed under: Parenting Tagged: | Baby, birth defects, cleft lip, cleft palate, Family, infant, Motherhood, Parenting, Smile Train, Ultrasound